Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Wrong Holiday



thursday 15th april.

Wake up, terribly excited. Check flights, flights cancelled. What the hell? Something about a volcano. Flights still leaving London so hop on a train. £300 and 4 hours later we're in London and flights from Heathrow have been cancelled too. Fuck. Call N's brother and beg for food and shelter. Plea granted. Brother in law suspects bed bugs in his bedroom so we sleep on the living room floor. Flights rebooked for tomorrow. Iceland cursed thoroughly.



friday 16th april.

Wake up. Hurt. Floor not comfortable. Check flights, cancelled again. Decide we might as well enjoy the day. Brother in Law skives off work and takes us to Battersea, where he and N used to live. Eat Italian food, cooked by Italians, eaten by Italians. According to menu espresso is £1.20, cola £1, Italian lessons POA and counselling gratis. Very nice pasta. Which is good as chef comes out to check everyone has cleaned their plates and chef is scary. Go home, check flights. Flights pushed back for another 12 hours. Fall asleep in a ball on living room floor. Wake up, now have flights for Sunday evening. Curse Iceland to hell.



saturday 17th april

Wake up, hurt more. Floors are hard. Skies still dusty. Flights pushed back more hours, Mum's flights home from New York cancelled. Begin to wonder what exactly the point of Iceland is because really, it just seems like a giant fucker to me. Leave boys knocking down shed while make way to Covent Garden to meet blogging ladies. Sunshine hot, maps rubbish, tube station has too many steps. Find self collapsed on street corner while annoying clown shouts at tourists. Blogging ladies lovely and take me to Liberty where we ooh and ahh over 'spensive shoes. Get tube home and buy pillows on the way, floor will be less horrible if N and I aren't sharing one pillow. Call flight people and change flights to Thursday. Thursday is last chance time. N uses the phrase 'when the volcano has chilled out a bit' on the phone to flight people. Flight people respond 'Sir. I do not understand what you are saying.' Flight people have limited sense of humour. Suggestions are made that Iceland be nuked. Decide the people can probably leave first, I don't hate them, just their fucking country and its fucking volcanoes.



sunday 18th april.

Wake up. Hurt less. Seem to be getting used to the floor. Skin is disintegrating though. It doesn't like London. Sit in the garden under a parasol while brother in law barbecues shit then accompany brother in law to a carpark in the suburbs to watch a man jump off the roof over and over and over. Brother in law's friend is making a tv program, brother in law is 'economic advisor' to tv program. Lots of men with poorly shorn facial hair, badly fitting jeans and silly glasses run around on roof with very large cameras. Coolness factor diminished by jumpers tied to heads as it is sofuckinghot we might all die. A minion comes back from shops with box full of ice creams. I kick N as she approaches with the box and he starts to tell her we're not part of the crew and shouldn't really be eating ice creams. Arrive home, check flights. Times pushed back further still. Starting to worry very much about missing the wedding. Speak to mum, she is slightly hysterical. Am more sympathetic than expected considering she is having our holiday. Get off phone to find N, his brother and his brother's lady inspecting the bedroom carpet with torches. Crumbs and fluffs are analysed for legs and heads. It is decided that bed bugs are all in brother in law's head and we should probably have the bed. It is a wonderful evening. Only curse Iceland a little as we fall asleep.



monday 19th april.

Wake up, hurt much much less and don't appear to have been bitten in the night. Beds are beautiful things. Get self and N ready to leave for the seaside where we plan to meet Cate and Nate and Talia for lunch and squidging and a little nibbling. N observes that I should probably neither squidge nor nibble Cate or Nate and I agree. He is also dubious about the advisability of nibbling another women's baby. On they way home he seems to have changed his mind and laments that I didn't let him 'have a go of the baby'. He also rhapsodizes over how ridiculously bloody adorable she is. I mention the effect she had on my ovaries, he responds with 'she made your ovaries ache? She made my ovaries explode!' Silence ensues as we pass through Croydon. As bed time approaches news reaches our ears that British airspace will reopen in the morning. We go to bed happy.




tuesday 20th april.

what a fucking joke. British airspace will never reopen. Oh sure, a flight went from Glasgow to Stornoway but big fucking deal. Stornoway's shite, and you can get there on the ferry. My patience and zen and 'oh well, I like London, let's just enjoy ourselves while we're here' have gone to be replaced with alternating wrath, frustration and deep deep depression. Coldsore, pimples and weird hives on my hands. It appears that body is done with being calm about everything too. Get dressed, give up and go back to bed. Fuck this. Half an hour later am scraped out of my heap and dragged to Battersea. There is an incident on the way to the train station that involves sitting on the kerbside and sobbing. There might even be foot stomping. After that things improve. The last of our cash is handed over to the children's zoo. There are rabbits and lemurs and a donkey. They all help. There is also a chicken rolling in the dirt. From there a walk is had to Buckingham Palace to laugh at the guards who do weird waggling things with their legs every few minutes and through Green Park to Bond Street where eyes go misty over the sparkly things in the windows. I rather fall for a tiara. Chris Eubanks is standing outside Hermes, he is wearing a pink tie. In Selfridges we eat ice cream and buy fancy caramels and then we get the train to Brixton. Apparently Brixton is part of London we might be able to afford to live in. We think my brother in law is over-estimating our finances. I love Brixton. We buy a very big fish for dinner and then we get the bus home. Mood is improved. We decide that if our flights don't go on Thursday we will give up and go home. So we book bus tickets. I'm strangely enamored by the thought of being back in Glasgow. My spirit is clearly broken.



(later)

Well bugger me with a bunch of bananas. A plane just flew over the house.





* photo of London by javiy






44 comments:

  1. oh i hope everything works out for the best for you and n (and P, and fauxhawk) and and and. sorry bout iceland. who knew. hearts. and bunnies.

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  2. i tweeted it already, but it must be said everywhere: C'MON, PLANES!

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  3. Ooo I am so sorry to hear this!

    xoxo

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  4. Oh, you poor dear! Who knew a volcano could disrupt flight patterns all over the world? Ugh.

    Fingers double crossed, for you.

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  5. My dad has been stuck in Frankfurt all week and to pass the time he is harassing the readers of my blog. Those planes cannot get moving fast enough!

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  6. Whilst I am extremely sad that your noo york trip was so severely buggered up I did rather enjoy our Saturday afternoon admiring the 'spensive shoes.

    Maybe one day we can do it again without the stress implications of quiet skies...

    My fingers are crossed for Thursday.

    x

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  7. The EXACT SAME THING happened to me this week, except I was stuck in New York, trying to get to London. Too bad there isn't something to just magically change our places!

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  8. from my little life in brisbane, australia, i have been following your holiday story on twitter and the blog. and feeling very very sorry for you! hope things start to look up!

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  9. Oh, man. I really hope the skies clear up, planes get back in said sky, and you get to the wedding on time. Keeping fingers and toes crossed, dear.

    xoox,
    -maria

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  10. I have been thinking about your mistaken holiday each morning while I listen to the news. So sorry! Hope it sorts out soon and you get to come visit.

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  11. You and N are the first people I think of every time I hear the word "volcano" these days. I so hope it works out (and that you aren't on a plane during the Liverpool game, because that could be tragic). But I'm glad you got to see lovely ladies (a little jealous also that you got to see them), and I'm not surprised there were exploding ovaries. Talia is just too cute.

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  12. You might not want to hear this, but I would much rather be in Stornoway than New York right now. I love Stornoway. I've had enough of New York. Hope we might see you here soon, though, unless Virgin suddenly come to their senses and find us a plane.
    xxx

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  13. Sorry that is just not cool, not cool at all. Hope that you do get out of there soon. Great bagels and pizza await (oh and this Peruvian place Chimu in Brooklyn is awesome too).

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  14. Well I will just cheer for the recovery of your skin.

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  15. It probably won't make you feel any better, but I laughed the whole way through that. :)

    Why couldn't that volcano have waited one more day? *hugs*

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  16. oh no....well, you made me laugh anyway because sometimes i guess is all you can do....except cry and who wants to do that with puffy eyes to put on top of the disintegrating skin, sore back and achy ovaries.

    hope the dust settles soon.

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  17. That is just terrible. Bloody Iceland. If I was you I'd be walking around saying "its not fair, its not fair" and having tantrums...you seem to have tried to handle it with a little more grace. I was looking forward to reading about your NY trip but you have written, somehow, a lovely post amidst the disappointment.

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  18. My fingers are crossed so hard they hurt, that all will be okay with your flight and you and N get to the wedding in time.

    PS Great post, you do write so beautifully and wittily at the same time.

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  19. Oh poor you!! What a shame, we live just round the corner in London, you should have kocked on our door and we would have made you very welcome. I've been checking your blog to see if you've got to New York or not, fingers crossed for tomorrow!

    Tarah
    x

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  20. Oh does that last sentence mean that you'll make it? I hope so. Saturday morning I was DEAD hungover, and as I crawled out to the couch to recover I thought of you and N and P and asked the husband "are planes flying yet?" I've been crossing my fingers ever since. I'll keep 'em crossed.

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  21. :-( so crazy how the volcano has disrupted so many lives and just made everyone stop and wait. if you and new york are not meant to be this time around, i promise there will be a next time someday.

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  22. Oh no! That's terrible! So sorry!
    If it makes you feel better, I think that this post is utterly brilliant and I nearly fell off my chair laughing. That probably makes you feel worse.
    Good luck, I hope you make it!

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  23. Freakin' hilarious! I was in stitches. It was so quiet for so long, that when they started again last night I thought they were going to land on my house!

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  24. Paul and I have been thinking of you both and keeping fingers crossed. I think you will be in luck tomorrow.

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  25. Well, I have a business in the U.S. that depends on supplies being flown in from the U.K. Amazing how many of us are affected.

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  26. What is the matter with these freaking volcanos? Don't they know people have plans....hope you are fine...smiles.

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  27. Flippin awful,how dreadful and frustrating and with such an important deadline to meet no wonder you feel as you do.
    I feel for you.
    Kittyx

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  28. oh noes. i hope you make it to ny.

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  29. Hope they let you on the plane at last and you're both safely on your way!
    I've been looking at the sky all day going "WOW - vapour trails!" Barley noticed them before and now they are like miracles!

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  30. Can I just point out that this is probably my all time favourite post of yours. I like your bitter hilarious bite.

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  31. I've heard many horror stories thanks to this volcano. Sorry you couldn't get where you needed to go! Also, I just want to say your blog is lovely! I stumbled upon it looking for a poem the other day, and I'm completely enamoured with your photographs! Hope things look up travel-wise!

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  32. Yes, like LPC I will cheer for the recovery of your skin. Oh dear. Hope it all works out...

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  33. Owahh - I have to agree with Elissa, Char and Owl and Peacock - the post was too funny and too cute - "Suggestions are made that Iceland be nuked. Decide the people can probably leave first, I don't hate them, just their fucking country and its fucking volcanoes”... Bless...
    But I do feel your pain. And I think it’s great that you made the most of London while there!

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  34. Peonies! Sorry to hear about your travails with travel. A trip to Paris this week to see a friend from halfway around the world and to visit my beloved sister was thwarted as well. But my inconvenience is nowhere comparable to yours. *hugs*

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  35. gosh, its like one step forward, 1.5 steps back... what an ordeal!

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  36. Yeah I heard about that volcano in Europe...crazy! Well I hope you get to fly out soon!

    xo,
    Cassie
    (Moon Face)

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  37. Thinking of you, girlie whirlie, and hoping you are well on your way!

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  38. reading this several days later, and it made me laugh....i was on the other side, away in china, and had luckily just extended my trip by a few days....but the ridiculous frustration of not knowing was the worst.....

    ....hope you are now having the most wonderful time in Ny....very, very, very jealous
    xx

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  39. Too funny, good to hear about it from the other side. Glad you have finally made it. I laughed so much I had to read it out loud to my husband. This is seriously the best rant I've read in a long time. Hope you are having a great time.

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  40. Bloody peeing myself at your post! Funny as fook! "Ahhh hate Iceluunnd!"

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  41. Just found you and I think I love it here. What a terrifically well-written and funny post this is (uh but sorry, wasn't fun, was it?)

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  42. Gives new meaning to the phrase "if you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere"? Glad you made it, eventually, have the best time!

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  43. I love your blog and you are a terrific writer !!!

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play nice.