Thursday, July 26, 2012

The people you meet when you're househunting...




The divorcee who has lived here for 25 years and doesn't want to leave but can't afford to buy out her ex-husband. Her divorce came through today. Her eldest son used to live in a lovely big house in Croydon but now he's living in the second bedroom because he left his wife and kids. Did she mention she's been here 25 years and doesnt want to leave? Or that her divorce came through today?

The woman who lives across the road who runs out to warn you: DO NOT BUY THAT HOUSE. It may look perfect but it's been derelict for 10 years and was renovated in a couple of weeks. She prompts you to look in the loft where you notice that the roof is caving in. Some things you can't cover up with white paint.

The man who lives across the street and comes out to ask you if you're thinking of buying the house you're looking at. He's lived here for 23 years and names all of the families on the street. He tells you that you would be very welcome here and that it's a lovely neighbourhood. You assume that he hasn't noticed the crack running down the front of the building or the damp rising up the back.

The middle eastern family who have been living in the Victorian terrace for 25 years and need more room to fit in all of their grandchildren. He is an electrical engineer and has enjoyed modernising the house. He has done so by removing all of the original features, some of the walls and the wooden staircase and replacing them with a 16 ft long brick structure in the middle of the living room and a melamine/wraught iron construcion. He tells you it will break his heart to leave and you believe him. You want to buy his house because he is such a very nice man but the thought of dealing with the brickwork, not to mention the textured walls, gives you hives.

The landlord who lives in his very small house with 6 'students'. He tells you that they're stupid lazy bastards who he will throw out when he sells the house. He lets you know that you can have all of the furniture if you want it. You know as soon as you step through the door and the smell hits you that the best thing you could do with that house is burn it to the ground but you don't want to be rude so you let him show you the whole thing. By the time you've seen the kitchen, read the letters to 'the Rats and Other Vermin', noted the plethora of post-it notes calling the lodgers 'stupid lazy bastards' and felt your feet stick to the carpet, you realise you are holding your daughter so tightly you're making finger marks on her arm and that being rude would have been a fine price to pay for not seeing this hell hole and not having the foul old man try to touch your child. Ten minutes after you leave you vomit into your hand a little bit.



23 comments:

  1. WHO is your estate agent?! Egad.

    Listen, we just moved into our flat in Stockwell in March. If there's anything we can do to help, let me know. Good luck.

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    1. Thank you. It was a variety of estate agents, one in particular had some very interesting ideas about the kind of houses a couple with two small kids might want to live in. She'd only been in the job a week though.

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  2. Good lord. I don't even know what to say. Vomiting into your hand must be a new low.

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  3. One particularly memorable one for us was the middle aged coach driver who inexplicably had 3 fingers on one hand. His wife had died and he kept saying, whilst chain smoking, "take it, you can have it, I can move out immediately, too many memories here for me now, too many memories"

    sob!

    we're still looking...

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  4. you should write a column. you are such a very good writer. you will find something - the right something I know.

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  5. House hunting is the PITS. I too am looking to buy in London (east-ish or south-ish). Sending good vibes your way and if I ever find a decent, kind hearted estate agent I will pass along their details too. Fingers crossed for us both.

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  6. Oh. no. This all sounds horrible.

    I agree with previous commenters that West Norwood is great as is Crystal Palace, or looking north there is Enfield which is village-y as well as London-y. Also, Berkhamsted, my old stomping ground, very good! Have you looked at Amersham, Chesham etc on the Metropolitan Line? I grew up there and can assure you that the 35mins train ride to Marylebone and the proximity to green fields is the ultimate best of both worlds situation. Plus you get more bang for your buck.

    Sorry it was so grim. London is good really, although it tries very hard to put people off.

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  7. That sounds precisely like our house hunt six years ago. First up on the list had cat boxes the size of swimming pools (oh so very unclean, thanks) and a nailed down linoleum floor in one bathroom, which turned out to be the owners solution to a tick infestation - she didn't want to pick them all out of the carpet. The owners husband sat in the tiny kitchen smoking cigars and coughing the entire time. Their real estate agent was so unmotivated that he hadn't even called to set up the appointment, so they had no idea we'd be coming. I still get the willies when I drive past the house, but it looks like someone bought it finally and completely gutted it. Better them than me!

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    1. Ooouf, I feel gross just reading this...

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  8. Poor you! Gives me the willies reading about it. Do please share more of your house hunting - it is in our plan for the next year (after we navigate the wedding and my return from mat leave) you know, pending our inevitable future Euromillions win that would enable us to buy centrally or east!

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  9. Wow that sounds painful. I thought looking for a flat to rent was bad but think you just won. Hopefully things improve soon. (I thought at first the house at the top was one you had looked at and was concerned someone was living in there! Thankfully not).

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  10. Rank subject but sublime writing as usual Cara, Jo x

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  11. That's last house just goes where I thought it couldn't go. So sorry you went through that. I know definitely know that feeling of "dear god, why were we even trying to be polite when it was headed in this awful direction?"

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  12. You had at the top edge of the photo of the falling-down-house.

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  13. Lord. I'm sorry. Knowing it all comes together at the end (which it does) helps not at all right now, so I'm just sorry.

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  14. Join us in the SouthEast. It's so much cleaner, and greener, and cheaper.

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  15. some homes are UNbelievable.
    as a trainee architect i was sent to survey a house that the landlord wanted to develop.
    i had to go into each students bedroom to do a detailed measurement, it was the pits.
    one guys room was pitch dark and totally stinking rancid disgusting. but the worst was all the porn all over his bed. i will NEVER FORGET IT.
    i ran.

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  16. Brighton! x

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  17. Eeeeeek. How gross, but thanks for sharing.
    I think ;-)
    Liska x

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  18. Before you get mad at me for unsolicited advice and want to say I totally get the desire to buy a place especially in a city as terrific as London.

    However buying a home right now is a bad idea as prices are falling and its predicted that prices will keep falling. You could end up in negativity equity which is horrific if you ever need to remortgage or want to sell.

    Better to sell the place in Glasgow, invest your profits and rent in London.

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  19. We spent that much in London too and we saw 48 places and then we found a perfect one with everything we wanted including a garden. And we bought it and we've lived there for 1 year and are very very happy. It's a fucking nightmare whilst in it, but just wanted to let you know the other side is awesome. Keep going. x

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play nice.