The interior monologue of a first-time gardener.
'Look at all the small green things! I planted those! Wait, I didn't plant all of those, which ones are weeds and which ones are the things I planted? Are these weeds? Or are they poppy seedlings? What about these ones, are they weeds or cosmos? Are these small purpley ones weeds? Or are the not weeds? WHICH ONES ARE WEEDS? WHY DIDN'T I SOW THINGS IN STRAIGHT LINES LIKE MONTY DON TOLD ME TO? I don't know which ones to pull out. Actually, I don't think I want to pull out any of them, they're green and the garden is brown and green is better than brown. But I'm sure I've heard that you're supposed to pull out weeds, so maybe I should pull out something? There, that one looked rubbish, I've pulled it out. Now I'm sad. Am I done now? What is a weed anyway? Isn't it just a free plant? Maybe I should just leave everything? But then it's going to end up a mess and all those pretty poppies and ammis and cosmos and larkspur and delphiniums I planted will be swamped by ugly plants and it will be tragic. But what if I pull them out, thinking that they're weeds? Oh balls, it's all going to be a disaster. I don't like gardening. It's too difficult. Cara, pull yourself together and stop being a pansy. Ohh, pansies, I forgot to plant pansies. FOCUS CARA. WEEDING. Okay, I'm just going to pull out all of these ones that look like they're probably not something I planted because they're everywhere and I didn't plant anything everywhere. But maybe I'll leave a few, in case they're pretty. Fuck, gardening is stressful. I need a drink.'
*sorry, I can't find a credit for the image. There's only so much good stuff that comes up when you google pictures of crazy women gardening and this one came from one of those lovely tumblrs that are all pretty, pretty, kittens, pretty, woman in garden, pretty pretty, anime porn, pretty, EXCUSE ME WHAT WAS THAT.' You know the ones.
I get this completely. The one weed I always fought all out war when I had gardens was bind weed. It is EVIL. And in our last garden it was also covered with cat piss so if I tried to pull it out having forgotten to wear gardening gloves I got a really painful rash all over my hands which I blamed more on the bind weed than the cats (or my own stupidity). I also tended to run out with weedkiller to attack the bind weed while saying "DIE WEEDS DIE" as it really wound me up.
ReplyDeleteSorry you seem to have unleashed my bind weed anger. But seriously if you get it, it may have pretty flowers but it will choke all your lovingly planted lovelies until they die. KILL IT then build a trench with plastic around the edges of your garden to keep it from coming back in. And don't let cats piss all over your garden because it really stings.
I can't wait to see pictures once your garden is in bloom though, and then capturing the seasons.
Hahahahahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteChange the nouns to any number of categories and that monologue would stand as the archetype for Intelligent Verbal People Face The World.
That is very similar to my gardening monologue, except it's a dialogue with my mum telling me to pull up weeds and me protesting that they're pretty. As it's my garden I often win but as it would be a wild untended wasteland without her guidance and physical labour she sometimes wins too.
ReplyDeleteI'm jealous of your garden's development and I'm telling myself that your plants are only ahead cos Summer is taking a while to head north and not because I'm a lazy and neglectful gardener.
It is totally normal... My inner monologues about anything...especially during yoga could be scripted for a comedian
ReplyDeleteMay I introduce you to the reverse image search?
ReplyDeleteThis isn't even a hard one.
Photo is ULIA TRUE BY ROSS LAURENCE FOR FASHION GONE ROGUE
LOL This whole post made me laugh. Good luck figuring out which are weeds! :)
ReplyDeleteExactly.
ReplyDeleteWhich is why I've decided to wait till I have a forest of weeds up to my shoulders, and then use it as a gym for a month of weekends. Like I did this spring.
Hahaha! Too damn true.
ReplyDeletehahaha yes!! This is me, always.
ReplyDeleteYes - true! And therein lies the therapy! Gardening folk are mad folk - we howl at the moon and we love the smell of dirt (the good soil, earthworm kind not the shitty kind) We lust after Hunters and we'd rather be knee deep in it than vacuuming. Luckily plants don't hold grudges... ♥♥♥♥
ReplyDeleteHaha! Love it! Sounds a lot like my internal monologue!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I just feel the effort in gardening is overwhelming. If only I could focus on the little success stories rather than the thigh high weeds..
ReplyDeletewww.teaistheanswer.com
Isn't it annoying you decided to sow the seeds in what is called Prairie style (meant to be swathes of flowers) then the thistles, bindweed and nettles ( they are just the ones I know the name of) just grow so you haven't got a bloody idea which is weed or flower and that's after years of gardening.Also I know this will make me sound like a spoilt bitch but because we farm and its fairly quite at the moment hubby asked the lovely girl who helps us to weed around the bed that we have to brighten up the yard. When I came across her she had decided to do the bed as well. Now I knew the bed was full of the weeds (fat-hen is another I know) but bless her she pulled up all the seedlings as well but she had done such a good job I didn't have the heart to say "nearly the whole fucking lot!" when she cheerfully asked "I haven't pulled up too many flowers have I?!!" Hay-ho always next year!!!
ReplyDeleteHa! Those are exactly things I go through every year of gardening. I decided I wanted to learn about it (outside of what tiny bits I learned growing up) about five years ago and I think I'll always be learning. Have you tried googling what the individual plant seedlings look like? Also, I've learned to scrape the soil's surface a whole bunch on a hot and sunny day before planting seeds. That way any mid-level germinated seeds hidden in the dirt will have to start from scratch and give your purposefully planted seeds a head start. And last thing- you really come to remember what each seedling of each new direct-seeded plant you grew that year looked like. I'm slowly slowly building up my reservoir. I think being taught this stuff from a really young age would be so awesome. Anywayyy, I wanna see pictures of what you have growing back there!
ReplyDeleteI recognise this (despite only ever being a rooftop / balcony gardener). My stress comes from the perennial (arf!) over/under-watering issue but my sadness comes from thinning out seedlings. It always feels a little This Is Sparta to kill the weaklings.
ReplyDeleteMy poor parents really ought to start a premium phone line for the gardening queries from me and my sisters.
A weed is just a plant in the wrong place. If it comes up and you decide you like it, it's not a weed. This is my dad's approach to gardening and I like it.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and this post. Crying with laughter. This was my exact experience this year!
ReplyDelete