Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Cold toes.....

Dear readers, I'm scared. The wedding is but six weeks and two days away. Not that the two days make much difference to my state of mind, it might as well be tomorrow for the panic that I am feeling. The panic has gripped my stomach and when I stop working for just a moment it spreads to my chest, simultaneously making me feel like my heart is racing fit to burst and that it is slowing down and stopping altogether.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not having cold toes about getting married, oh no. I can't wait to be married to The Boy, that bit I wish was tomorrow. It the wedding that is scaring me. The Wedding. The Wedding with it's capital T and capital W. Sixteen months we have spent planning, I've never planned anything for that long, not a thing. Even my plans to go to university, my application for art school, I decided those things in a space of about 5 months. Everything else, well I'm more of a Two Day Plan kind of girl.

Sixteen months is a long time. At the start of that period the wedding seemed oh so real, right there within reach. But gradually it started to slip away, all of our plans, all of those projects we started well of course they were for the wedding, but the wedding was so far away that it felt like some vague notion - 'We'll do this at the wedding' felt something like 'we'll do this when we grow up', it was going to happen but not for a long time.

Well suddenly we're grown up, and the RSVPs are coming. It's happening. It's real and in six weeks all of those decisions, plans and seating cards we made will be in use. People will see them and people will see us, getting married. And a part of me is starting to feel like it something intensely private, something that I'm not sure other people should be witnessing.

We have been almost entirely alone in the planning process, the things and decisions we have made we made with almost no help from anyone else, but in six weeks all of those someone else's will be there, watching, observing, taking in what we have done. And it scares me. The Wedding has been very much ours and it's almost time to share it with fifty other people.

The Boy reassures me that they are people we love, well most of them are. People we chose to share our wedding day with, again - most of them. That it will be wonderful, that it is what we have been working towards, what all the fun of planning and all the worries about getting it right have been for. But still I'm scared. Scared of being the centre of attention, scared of all that work I have put in being laid bare for all to see.

On the day, I know I won't care. I know I will be filled with joy and love; for The Boy and for all of those people whom we felt we couldn't get married without. People we love, people who have left their imprint on our hearts. People whose presence will mean so much to me that the very sight of them may make me cry. Joy that I will be pledging my life to the man I adore and vowing to spend the rest of it with him. Joy that we will be taking a step further down the road that we chose to walk together, that we each want to walk with the other whatever obstacles may block the way.

But that bit was never planned. That bit was inevitable, meant to be and the wedding was just surface decoration.

And now that decoration scares me. The wedding scares me. There I've admitted it. Sixteen months, a thousand wedding blogs, a million ideas and I'm scared of the thing we have been planning.

Has anyone else felt like this? Is anyone else scared of their wedding? Is it something that only happens once the wedding is so close you can almost taste it? What about those of you who have been through the wedding and come out the other side? Did the fear grip you?

Please tell me I'm not alone. Tell me you feel the fear too.....


  1. I am getting married in 17 days and I completely relate to what you are saying. I have put a year into planning this, and mostly by myself as all of my family is out of town.
    I am excited and nervous to see this all come together. It's true that before it was planning something so far down the line and I can't believe this is actually here. I also have mixed feelings about something so personal being put on display. I just hope I don't get stagefright. Thank you for sharing, it is comforting to know this nausea I am feeling is normal.

    PS Your blog has given me such great inspiration for my wedding.

  2. I have these feelings too. It seems paradoxical to me that something so intensely private and personal should become a group event and I feel weird about having it witnessed.

    And like the Boy I remember why we are sharing it with the people we love and know I wouldn't have it any way, but it still makes me feel afraid to have it so laid open like this. I sort of want it all to big a big secret, really.

    This was a great post. It's great that's you're being so honest.

    Are you getting married on a Friday?

    Here's a weird thing... I'll be in Scotland when you're getting married. It's the first time I've ever been, too :)

  3. ciao peonies and polaroids,

    it's totally normal to feel what your feeling. I too had moments similar to what your describing a few months before the wedding. I remember my father telling me that I may feel an increase of anxiety as the big day approached. I laughed and said "no way, I'm sooo fine" and then one day it hit. I was so shy about being the center of attention I didn't know what to do.... Then 2 weeks before the wedding I was back to my old self. The day of the wedding was perfect. Everything. I loved it so much I kept telling my husband, "can we do that again?" the day of, you will be on such a high, it will feel like a beautiful magical dream. It will be the best day of your life, trust me.

  4. I very much relate. A few weeks ago if someone asked me about the wedding, I would say "oh it is all undercontrol!" But now I am in a state of complete anxiety about the wedding. Not about the ceremony or the marriage... but about getting everything ready for 'public facing' is what really makes me nervous. And whether people will have fun- I mean yeah it is easy to say yes they will have fun... but they might not!

    And when I stop worrying- I am just incredibly excited.

    I am sure the nerves will settle!

  5. Yeap, I went through those feelings, too. And you know what? I think it's a good thing in the long-run. Because it means it'll be a relief when the whole wedding is over, and you won't miss it. (As much.) I feel sorry for the girls who are so sad when it's over, because there's a new marriage there to enjoy! My wedding was a spectacularly magical day, but I have no desire to go back and plan another one.

    And the thing is, as long as you and The Boy and the officiant show up, the rest is details. And just remember to enjoy being a princess for a day!

  6. I have the same feelings too:) Our wedding is two months and four days away! I am really excited but really nervous at the same time. It's hard for me to stop thinking about all the details and being the center of attention.

    I'm sure your day will be perfect :)

  7. 17 days to go for me, and the panic is starting to lift. the shape of mine is a little bit different from yours... i have worried and stressed about getting everything done in time, become frustrated with the process and looked at my fiance more than once and said, "can't we just elope?" but as it gets closer, and all of the must-do's get under control, i'm feeling a little less panicky than before. if we don't finish the programs, then we just won't have programs! if we don't finish the seating chart, people will just seat themselves! all the things we need to get married (license, rings, officiant, each other) are set, so the rest is just a party. this is what i have to keep telling myself, to keep the panic at bay.

    and as tara said, i worry about whether people will have fun. sure, it's just a party, but it's a party celebrating a monumental step in my life and i would like it to be, well, celebratory! i'm sure it will be fine, but most of my stress revolves around that. will everyone have a good time? like the food? be entertained? i hope so.

    17 days.... yikes!

  8. This is ironically a really comforting post! I barely ever leave comments but like all these other girls are saying, no one ever tells you about the anxiousness that comes with weddings, just that it is all so great. I think this is a VERY real part of the whole deal and it's good to take comfort that you're not alone. My bridal shower just happened a couple weeks ago and it was the first event where we celebrated our upcoming wedding with others. The night before I was suddenly all knots and basically a total mess. I didn't sleep. It made me worry about what I would be like on my actual wedding. The good side of the nerve situation is it seems to creep up on you at inopportune times but during the actual events it subsides.

    Deep breaths! You'll be brilliant!

  9. Sunday makes one month since we got married and I totally felt that way but now I feel something totally different. I think I'm upset that no one has called me to tell me what they thought of the day. Lots of people called my mother and his but no one called me. Even when we sent out the invitations it was the same way. The Mr. and I spent 18 months planning our day and I'm sad because I want feedback and we aren't really getting it.

    Good luck with these last couple of days. It will be a beautiful day!

  10. i'm not at all close to my wedding day...stil a year out. so i can't sit here and say it's normal or that it should only matter what you think and feel. all i can say is your wedding will be beautiful! i hope that you can enjoy the last few weeks of planning, and just sit back and soak up all the beauty and amazingness of your day.

  11. I am 5 weeks and 2 days away from our wedding day and I have had a knot in my stomach all week! This feeling JUST started and I think it is mostly because I hope everything will be nice, people will have fun and stay the whole time and that I will have enough time to finish everything!

    You are not alone.

    p.s. I can't wait to be married either.

  12. All of us suffer from the same disease.

  13. I feel like an old married crone after reading these comments, but TEN years ago when I got married, I went through the exact same thing. I hadn't wanted my mother to do any of the planning ("It's MY wedding", exclaimed in a properly whiny voice), until two weeks before when I ended up bawling my eyes out under the dining room table and saying that she could have the entire rotten miserable thing. In the end, she helped me, it was an amazing, relaxed, beautiful and glorious day, and I rarely even remember the moments of panic before. It's going to be spectacular! Just look at The Boy when you start to feel like this.

  14. I'd would actually have to have a DATE NAILED DOWN to commiserate.

    not that I am bitter, nope.

  15. It didn't really hit me until a few days before the wedding. It was so weird. It was like, out of nowhere, I was completely overwhelmed by this thing that was so much larger than life (The Wedding). It was like it had taken on a life of its own and it was coming for me. I hid out in the gym and went shopping! I wandered around town in gym clothes with no makeup in complete denial. HA! Thank goodness for my understanding mother who let me do my thing and collect myself.

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  17. i read everything you said...and i feel scared for you... lol..but is true...i wish you only the best...and enjoy the life enjoy the nerves...enjoy the stress...that means that you are doing everything in the right way.
    greetingss...from chile.

  18. Beautifully put, and so true! Since your nerves seem to be mostly about people's reactions to the smaller details of the wedding day, would it help to know how little the guests care about those details?

    Your guests are there to celebrate their love for you, and your love for each other as new husband and wife. They will either be delighted with the actual party/wedding/decor details (and knowing your style, probably they WILL be delighted!) or they will barely notice.

    (Oh, and P.S... I believe Jason would like you to know that he makes $900 extra a month. Hee.)

  19. Thank you so much for all of your comments, they're so reassuring.

    Lindsay, not long! I'm worried about stage fright too. Our celebrant wants us to face our guests during the ceremony but I think that might just terrify me!

    GS, thank you. It is really strange, the whole marriage/wedding paradox of something so personal being so public. And the desire to have people witness it yet to do it privately too.

    Yes, we are getting married on a Friday! I hope you have a great trip north!

    Littlewinterbride, I think you are completely right, when it gets to a week or two away I think the excitement will come back.

    Tara, I know exactly what you mean! Suddenly all of those little details you have worked on privately need to be made public and it's terrifying.

    Princess, thank you SO much. That is a really good way to look at it and it's great to be reminded of how I'll feel once it's over. I don't think I'll miss it and I don't think I'll want to do it again!

    Melissa, it is so scary the thought of being the centre of attention!

  20. Amanda, I'm glad your panic is starting to lift. I'm sure mine will too closer to the day. 17 days is soon! I'm so excited for you.

    Heather, thank you so much for leaving a comment, I do appreciate it. Your panic the night before your shower sounds so familiar to me.

    Fallonroxan, I'm so sorry no-one has complemented you and your husband on your wedding. I would be really upset by that too. Why do people think it's the mother of the bride's day?!

    122lovesme, thank you. I appreciate it!

    Kelly, it's good to know that we're not alone isn't it! Deep breaths and we'll be fine!

    Rebekah, it's beginning to look that way isn't it!

  21. FF, congratulations on being married 10 years! I can't wait until The Boy and I have been married for a while. Thankfully it hasn't got bad enough to ask either of our mothers for help. I think if it got to that stage we would elope!

    Flutter, you make me laugh! You'll get there. I was really antsy about setting a date for ages before we actually managed it. And then it was a date over a year later than I wanted it to be!

    Courtney, I think I will be doing quite a bit of hiding to! Although not at the gym, I don't like the gym! More likely in a cake shop somewhere.

    Mocka, thank you! And greetings from Scotland to you!

    Twowishes, yes it helps a lot to know that people won't care about the details! When I actually address the big things that matter - ceremony, food, drink, it seems like most of them will be fine!

    And Jason, I'm glad you're making so much money dear but really, this is not the place to brag about it, a bunch of women who have just spent a large amount of money on a big party do not want to know!

  22. Oh wow I can't believe it's come so quickly!

    Take a deep breath and take one day at a time- it'll be over before you know it :)


play nice.