Thursday, June 24, 2010

Panics/Fear



Trust Meg to say it best...

"I've been having The Fear lately, which I find is quite different from The Panics. The Panics just make me run around, "Ah! Ah! Ah! What if! What if! Shaky hands! Shaky heart."

But The Fear is a real b*tch. It just sits there in front of your path like a boulder, and says, "I'm not going to move AT ALL, because god only knows what's on the other side." So then you just have to sit there, puzzling how to get around it."



Yeah, I'm alternating between both at the moment.



I'm writing a post just now, and it's the hardest post I've ever written. It's a Big Stuff post. It feels good. In the way that having a crick in your neck fixed by a large Swede with meaty hands and no mercy feels good, it hurts but you know it's worth it. That's when it's not giving me the shits.

I'd love to know if any of you have ever written a post that has terrified you? Or do you (very wisely) stick to a form of blogging that doesn't make you crap your pants?

I'm curious.





* photo courtesy of Crsan, via Flickr.




38 comments:

  1. Fantastic definitions.

    As for the post, sometimes things are better out. Hidden away they ferment and grow like the dodgy mould I'm currently avoiding tackling in the shower.

    Out, they can get a good dose of sunshine to keep them in check.

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  2. All of mine make me want to crap my pants.
    Every. Single. One.

    I think you are VERY BRAVE.

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  3. Hmmm I'm kind of one for keeping big and scary thoughts inside and never ever letting them out. Does tend to encourage them to grow and become unmanageable and irrational though.

    I hope writing them down reduces their power.

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  4. Oh, I have those posts. I sit on them FOR MONTHS. I wrote a name change post that was basically "women who hyphen are effing stupid" and I sat on it for months and wrote and rewrote it over and over and over. Eventually it didn't say that, and I posted it, and it was very well received. But still.

    Blogging does not require being open, or opinionated, or feisty, but many of us are. And we take a lot of heat for it, from people who are basically middle-school bullies. And that totally blows. It's hard to share parts of yourself but after a long enough time of blogging, you feel like you can't hold them back.

    Sometimes you just rip the bandaid and hit post. And then that first, "thank you for saying this" comment hits, and you are thrilled.

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  5. The more deeper, personal demons I want to write about, I keep a secret blog for. There's no worry or wonder if I'll offend. I just post and post and post.

    Such a relief!

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  6. Oh. The Fear. Mmm. I know it well.

    This is a really interesting post to me as I've been thinking about blogging quite a bit recently. I, personally, don't really write the big/scary/personal things, but deeply admire those that do. There are some bloggers out there who write so eloquently and beautifully and honestly about things, they leave me in awe. I think maybe I have confidence issues that a) I could never write like that so b) why try?

    Plus the one very personal post I did write sort of backfired and scarred me a bit.

    You, by the way, are one of those eloquent and honest writers that I so admire. If anyone has the balls for this, you do.

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  7. Doesn't have to be deeply personal to be scary. Just sayin'.

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  8. I talked about a very personal issue a few months ago.

    I found it extremely cathartic to finally reveal myself to, well, myself.

    It made me stronger.

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  9. All the damn time. There are, for some of us, an infinite number of things to be scared about. If the fear were predictive, we could use it. But since I find that mine is caused by me, mostly, rather than some external pattern, I take the strategy of, "There, there." Pat, pat. Fear is supposed to protect us, but like appendixes I am not sure it does, so often, these days.

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  10. i thinks its cool that you are acknowledging it...very brave indeed...fear sucks...

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  11. Go for it, shine a torch in the face of the Fear and the Panic. Sometimes one just needs to acknowledge and feel these things, imho.

    Two blogs you might like, great writers both:
    http://poemsandnovels.blogspot.com/
    http://deerbaby.blogspot.com

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  12. all of my posts are scary too. most are just a tiny bit scary, but some are the highest level of scary. i like it though. i view my blog as a cheaper alternative to therapy. you should write was feels right in your heart... and know that we all love and support you 110%.

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  13. I have written many of these, and I promise you when you get a chorus of people relating to what you're saying (to this stuff that you were always too afraid to articulate!) it feels pretty damn amazing and helpful and liberating.

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  14. I kind of figure if I'm not scared, I shouldn't post it. But. I really don't like being yelled at, which is a downside to this line o' work ;)But yes, I've found I need to keep up my private writing too, or I'll have nothing to share.

    Effing fear. I still need a solution, and I haven't figured it out. I just see the boulder all the time every day.

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  15. Yes, that is the most perfect definition.

    As far as blogging goes, it is this very problem which has kept me from posting even one single post. It took me years of lurking to gather the courage to start a blog, though I think it would be a good outlet for me, and now it has been months and I've just been paralyzed by that boulder, unsure how to take the next step.

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  16. Of course, I should add that your openness about The Fear actually helped me come out of my shell a little and leave a comment. Progress!

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  17. Very rarely. Because most of the time it's just pretty pictures and food, which doesn't scare me at all.

    But every once in a while I'll share something more important and then I have the fear the whole time I'm writing and before I click "publish" and then hours and hours while I wait for responses to come in and then I calm down and it feels much better. I don't have the stomach to do it every day, honestly.

    But I'll look forward to your Big Stuff post.

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  18. So sorry you feel this way. Know the feeling though its so tough to get past.

    just want to say thank for linking to Meg's blog I've only been a fan of yours a little while and today read loads of Meg posts which helped to clear away some of my wedding panics and fears.

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  19. Most times I post, I have the fear. Some much more than others, but always a little bit. We're putting ourselves out there, so.

    But I reap the rewards.

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  20. I don't have a blog, and I don't comment often, but your post really struck me. I journal and sketch (on paper, with pen and pencil), blogging is something I keep considering. The fear you speak of is one of the things that's given me pause.

    I would say the choices we make regarding the fear, the fact that you move through it and tell your story, that is what is important.

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  21. I am scared almost everytime I post anything. I think I live in fear of being found out, somehow. But most of the time that is manageable.

    Then there are days when I choose to post about things that aren't all kittens and rainbows and harpischords, and I get the knot in the pit of my stomach. It's often deserved.

    As for the really scary posts - they're private. I don't know whether I'll ever publish them publicly.

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  22. i used to write scary blogs when i thought no one read me...i don't write them much anymore. cowardly i know...i want to get back to fearless blogging.

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  23. I tend to bottle up the big and scary stuff and then let it out in one big overemotional rush - not the best habit I know. In theory though I am a big fan of the better out than in school of thought, I'm just not very good at following my own advice...

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  24. I think I used to be braver about the really important stuff. And then more people started reading my words and twisting their meanings a bit, which overwhelmed the feelings of yes. And so I tried to be honest-but-guarded, and it just made my thoughts and writing messier and more equivocal. And now I miss being more honest and I miss taking risks. I think sometimes, it's entirely worthwhile, especially for the truly important stuff. I think fear oftentimes hints and something that has to be done, it's just hard to figure out how to get there.

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  25. Sometimes. It depends on what's in the post or the motivation for the post.

    Big Stuff is always Very Scary.

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  26. I haven't written a Scary One in a while. I should get back to it. They really are the most satisfying.

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  27. I don't write big, scary blog posts; however, I am a writer and I've written my share of big and scary poems and memoir pieces that have been brought to workshop (which is like blogland in miniature) and some of which have also been published. I agree with the folks who say you should do it. It does make you stronger, as well as a better writer and thinker.

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  28. I write a lot of posts when I've been drinking that never get published and that's a good thing, but there have also been several that I have posted that freaked me out at the time but I was happy I posted.

    I find that the blogs (and the people) that I enjoy the most are the ones who are raw, open and honest. And I can say after your last two posts I like you/your blog even more.

    And I also thought to myself that that is the beautiful thing about blogging, if nothing else certain posts will make people feel less alone.

    I'm not married and I don't have children, but I know that life has a way of working itself out and I'm certain that you will be just fine. You might want to read Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott. She's the queen of raw, honest and amazing.

    Best of luck to you.

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  29. While the most honest and hardest to write blog posts that I write are the most scary, they are also the most rewarding and somehow, I get the most support from them. Sometimes, I even think that I can be more honest on my blog than in person. I haven't been the brunt of much cruelty in my comments so far, so I guess I've been lucky, but I still struggle with certain people in my life stumbling upon things I right and taking them absolutely wrong (because this happens in person all the time). The only answer is to be true to yourself. If you need to share with us, we will be here, but if you need to share with no one, we'll still be here.

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  30. You know, I hadn't thought about it being scary to write certain things. But now that I think about it, I realize that it is. I find that if I write something personal and there aren't a ton of comments that I've come across as crazy, selfish or completely ridiculous. But I use my blog to get stuff out of my head so I guess it doesn't have to make sense to everyone that reads it...as long as I feel better when it's done.

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  31. I write scary posts and I publish them, because (for me) it is scarier if I keep it inside than if some freaks on the web take advantage of my vulnerability. And like A&L said, when people respond and support you, then it's refreshing. However, I don't have a huge following like you, so this is coming from a small writer; though, a lot of my audience knows me in real life. *shrug* I guess I take responsibility for what I say and they take responsibility for how they interpret what the read.

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  32. Can you share the link to the post where Meg says that on APW? I couldn't find it and I'd love to see it in its entirety and be able to bookmark it. Thank you! :)

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  33. V-
    I didn't say that on APW, I said that to P. That's all of it :)

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  34. Ahh, I see! it is so nicely put, I recommend a future post on fear and panics and the like. :) It helps articulate for those of us who can only spit out "uh, eh, um.. I feel some sort of crazy today."

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  35. Our fist post was very stressful--for no reason other than it was the first.

    I liked your guest post on Joanna's blog on marriage. Blueberries are truly powerful. :)

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  36. I look forward to reading your Big Stuff post.

    I work on managing anxiety and big fear a lot; I think it is something I will deal with for as long as I live. Writing some posts has brought clarity to me about the kind of person I aspire to be, if that makes sense.

    I realize this is not exactly what you asked. But it's what came out. And I'm sticking with it.

    xoox,
    -maria

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  37. I know I'm days late, but: I am always nervous when I post but I haven't had the guts yet to write any of the posts that would make me really, really afraid. (In fact I'm late commenting because I've been avoiding the whole INTERNET because I'm scared to post right now). So kudos to you for even trying, and I know you can do it (and that it will feel awesome).

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  38. yes.

    i'm afraid of too much "me" leaking in. and then i'm afraid of it not being "me" enough.

    i don't want to be false.

    but my blog is a little separate from my real life. and i want some "me" to keep for myself.

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play nice.